Amy's Journey – Buying Time

in 2015 when I was originally diagnosed with breast cancer, it was different. For some reason I felt like there was an end to the fight. I knew that if I stayed positive and did with the doctors told me everything was going to be okay. Don’t ask me how I knew this other than my dad kept telling me everything was going to be okay, I had faith in god, and the doctors were positive about the treatment that they had prescribed. This time there is no end to the treatment. There’s no one telling me hey after a year of this and surgery and this and that you going to live a normal life. This time it’s a fight forever. It’s a strange feeling knowing that you have something inside your body it’s trying to kill you. It’s not something you can see and it’s not something you can cut out, but it’s there and every day you’re a battle with it. I try not to let it take too much space in my head but that’s not always easy. Everyone around me has the same questions I do. And unfortunately no one seems to have the answers. I don’t know how long I’ll live, I don’t know how sick I’m going to get, all I know is that I’m going to wake up everyday and fight like hell for another day.

The medication I’m taking has me in a bit of a brain fog, making it so I can’t work. What I do for my clients is too important for me to make mistakes so I’m having to go on disability. I hate it. I don’t like being dependent on other people for my finances. My friend put together a GoFundMe page, but I don’t expect people who work hard for their money to just give it to me. So, I’m praying that between disability and my child support I make enough to cover everything and still have enough so my boys don’t feel the pinch. We have a roof over our heads and food in our bellies and are surrounded by love, that’s all I need.

I had to order a shower stool and a toilet thing with handles because standing up from a sitting position is hard. My vanity reared its ugly head. These things are for old people, I was embarrassed to need them. I’m just turning 52, I shouldn’t need these ugly, medical grade things in my bathroom. My brain and heart really fought about it. Then came acceptance. Who’s going to be in my bathroom? Who’s going to judge me? ONLY ME! Then I laughed. If these things make life easier, what am I worried about? Vogue magazine isn’t doing a photo shoot in my house any time soon. My kids might find these things weird but then maybe they’ll stay out of my bathroom and use their own! At this point I was really chuckling. Boy, the human brain is strange.

yes, this fight is different because there is no end to it. However, if I look at it in the same way I did the first time, I will be fine. Stay positive, deal with things one day at a time, and live life to the best of my ability. I may lose my hair, so what. I may not be able to go zip lining with my niece for her 18th birthday, but I can still take her and watch her excitement. I’m going to try to continue coaching baseball because it brings me joy. And most of all, I’m surrounded by love, from my co-workers, to my friends and family, everywhere I look someone is there offering their love and support. I truly am blessed.

For the first time, my boys are with their dad for Christmas. I’ve never been away from them for the holidays and the house is quiet. It’s probably good for them because I have no energy and I don’t want to ruin their Christmas.

I start my immunotherapy medication next week, when it arrives. I don’t have to go to San Diego for these, which is nice, they are shipped to my house. I’m hoping the side effects are minimal but have anti-nausea medication on hand just in case. I’ve started my disability claim because I’ve realized I can’t really work. My brain is in a fog from the pain and medication, or that’s what I tell myself. My PCP reminded me the fog is from my anxiety and depression, she says it’s normal but nothing seems normal right now, but hey, normal is boring! Merry Christmas my friends, I love you all.

I met with the radiation oncologist today, Dr. Lin. He is so awesome! He is the first person to take time to go over my scans with me. There is a large mass that has and is eating my pelvic bone, a large mass doing the same to my sternum (I can see and feel this one), several masses in my liver, one in my spine, and one medium one in my butt area. At first it seems like there is no hope, the cancer is all over. However, sweet Dr. Lin tells me he has several patients he’s been treating for 15-20 years and the medicine today is so much better than it was back when they started.

When I left his office I understood why my body hurts so much, my need for pain medication, and what the steps are in my treatment plan. I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off of me and I finally had a doctor on my team that I connected with. He gave me hope and knowledge I didn’t have before. It was refreshing.

Next was my injection appointment where I got good news, Aetna approved both medicines. So I was able to get started on 2 parts of the plan today. After three injections (one medicine is 2 injections) and getting labs done we were finally headed home. Home Sweet Home.

As I lay here on my couch I’m able to feel prepared for the fight to come. Dr. Lin made me radioactive, giving me the strength to continue forward, knowing I am not alone.

When she said the pain I had been dealing with for 4 months in my hip was metastatic breast cancer, I was speechless. I had been cancer free for 9 years, so long that it wasn’t really on my radar. My first thought was, my boys! My next thought was how am I going to tell my daddy. My dad had been my rock during my first battle and he was supposed to be enjoying his retirement. Asking him to do it again, for the rest of my life or his, seemed like too much to ask anyone.

My first call was to my good friend whom I knew wouldn’t try to fix it, she’d just listen and let me cry. After seems a blur. All I know is that I was terrified and felt really alone as I went through more tests and started scheduling doctors appointments. I know I’m surrounded by people who love me, I have a lot of support. So why do I still feel so alone?

I’m hoping as I write this blog, and take you on my journey I’ll figure that out. Welcome to Buying Time.